Worst Case Scenarios

So I’m preparing to head out to the Atlantic Coast of Nicaragua in a week-or-so, but I just wanted to list off a few really terrible worst case scenarios that could happen while I’m working in la Región Autónoma del Atlántico Norte. The RAAN is a pretty safe place, but that’s not to say that there aren’t at least a few unsavory situations that I could run into…

I get attacked by a horde of rats and die

I remember picking up the major newspaper here in Managua, La Prensa, a month or so ago and seeing a headline that sorta kinda translated to “A Plague of Rats Ravishes the Atlantic Coast.” My first thought when I saw the Spanish phrase “Plaga de ratas” was, “I hope to God that’s not the Spanish translation of “The Bubonic Plague.” Fortunately, it only translated to “a plague of rats.” Whew. For a minute there, I thought I was in danger. Apparently, for the last year or so, there’s been a huge rat infestation up in the north of Nicaragua. They’ve destroying crops and terrorizing the population near the Coco River — where I’ll probably be staying.

Ok, so I’ll be honest, I don’t know if a horde of rats really can eat a human being. I mean, I’m guessing it’s a possibility, right? They’re would have be a lot of rats to take down a full-grown man — like a Rat King or something. And I’ve actually had some pretty cool experiences with a friend of mine’s pet rats. But still, they’ve got teeth and I’m pretty sure there’s more than a few cases in recorded history of someone being bitten by a rat. So it only stands to reason that if you get a lot of them together… Ugh. I don’t want to think about it. At least it’s not the Bubonic Plague…

I get leprosy and die

So the people here in Managua are all atwitter about the number of people showing symptoms of leprosy in the country. Yesterday, the Vice Minister of Health announced that there are 2,000 people with symptoms of leprosy, 76 of which have been clinically diagnosed as having the disease. The situation has been described by La Prensa as “chaos.”

Ruh roh.

To be fair, these cases are pretty spread out across the country, and are not exclusive to the RAAN. But if the Vice Minister of Health is correct, the disease is in the RAAN right now. Well, at least if I get leprosy, I’ll be able to tell who are my real friends. If someone stands by you while you’re infected by a disfiguring disease of biblical proportions, you know they’re a keeper.

Another hurricane hits and I die

We all saw the Al Gore movie. It’s always a possibility.

So I figure I better do this now. If I die, Angie gets my record collection, Brooke gets my Mac (she always wanted a laptop), and I want “peperony and chease”on my tombstone. Actually, fuck that. If I die, cremate me and shoot my ashes out of a cannon in the middle of the desert as Metallica plays an extended version of “Creeping Death.” And there needs to be fireworks, lots of fireworks. Yeah, that’d be sick.

Tags: Death, Leprosy, Nicaragua, Rat King, Rats